Assertive communication….is there another way other than stamping your feet until you get want you want…. while saying screw you to everyone else….!!
Let’s start by looking at two different sorts of results that you can get….
In the first one, you create a situation where you and the other party both get what you want. You’re both happy with the result which means there is no lingering resentment from them OR any guilt on your part either about maybe not playing fair…
You are now in a situation where the other person is going to tell their friends about your agreement in a positive way. In effect you just created an ally. An asset for your cause or beliefs or what ever it is you’re growing. Not only that, the third party, ( the friend of the person that you reached a win – win situation with ) is more likely to mention your name if they’re ever asked if they know someone with your skills…
Stick with me here…this is important…
If you go down the assertive communication route that most folks teach then you’re doomed to being seen as an autocratic dictator or a bully.
Here’s why !
Research shows that when you “win” and someone else “loses” you will feel guilty and that will affect your health and your general social well being and social standing….Unless of course your name is Don Corleone…
The other person…the one that “lost” is going to cooperate with you until such times that they can get their revenge and undermine your position in some way or other. They will also be unwilling to promote or recommend you and you have probably made an enemy for life.
BUT HEY…YOU WON…
Or did you ?
The worlds most successful businesses and relationships all operate by creating cooperative relationships. Now that doesn’t mean that you have to be a woos and give in to the demands of others. Nor does it mean that others should give in to your demands either..
The name of the game is to establish what your values are and to stick to them while finding common values that you share with the other party. If you can’t find those common values then maybe you shouldn’t be talking with them anyway. It may be that you can find more suitable people to talk with who also share your values and that you can reach agreement with.
Now I can hear you say that you’re already in a dispute with this other person and you’re determined not to let them win. I have had my share of disputes over the years and until I realised I was using the wrong skills I had a bad time of it.
One of the big mistakes that many people make is they get confused between assertive communication skills and conflict resolution skills. Two completely different sets of tools for two totally different tasks…
I’m going to write more in a future post about conflict resolution and tell you how these skills were used to defuse the civil war between the provisional IRA and the UDF ( the Ulster Defence Force ) and how there are better ways to have effective communication skills that are also assertive communication skills…
In the meantime maybe you can think about what you want to achieve by using assertive communication and perhaps you can explore if there’s any other communication skills you could use in it’s place…?
