Top Communication Skills

45 year old Judy revealed in an anger management class that she
was constantly angry at her husband. When asked why, she
revealed that her aged mother lives next door and she always
felt conflicted whether to spend time with her husband or her
mother after work.

She loved them both, but resented her husband’s becoming
demanding and upset when she spent needed time with her mother
instead of being with him. Judy revealed that she dealt with the
situation by ignoring her husband when he expressed displeasure
- with disastrous results. These included constant bickering and
tension in the home as well as emotional distance from each
other.

How much better the outcome would have been had Judy used basic
skills of assertive communication.

What is assertive communication?

It is a way to communicate to your family your rights, feelings
and needs- but in a good way. It is a method of letting family
members know where you stand on things and what your limits and
boundaries are.

Assertive communication allows you to clarify communication and
stand up for yourself without making things worse or getting a
negative result or response from your loved ones.

Four Steps to Assertive Communication:

Step 1- Send clear messages

Turns out Judy had never clearly told her husband how she felt
when he put pressure on her to spend time with him instead of
her mother. When she did discuss it, she hemmed, hawed and
stammered with almost no eye contact.

As a result her husband was not getting a clear message. To
communicate clearly, look at your posture and your facial
expressions, as well as your hand and arm movements. Pay special
attention to your tone of voice which can say volumes beyond
your words.

Step 2 – Learn how to listen

Assertive people have developed their listening skills. While
hearing is done with your ears, true listening is done with your
heart. To be a better communicator, start by becoming a better
listener.

Step 3 – Start the conversation with “I feel” rather than “you
should.”

Words have tremendous power to determine how other people
experience us, and how they respond to an issue.

For this reason, people with good assertive communication skills
focus on the problem behavior (and not the character of the
person), stick to the point, don’t use labels, and make “I”
statements rather than “you” statements.

Judy tried this with her husband and it worked very well. Here
is what she said: “Honey, I love you and want to be with you,
but I also need to be with my mother now. Could you get along
without me for a hour a night? I’ll try to always be back by
8:30 PM.”

Step 4 – Acknowledge your part in the conflict or issue

Anger is often an escalating process, involving two people who
create a negative feeling in each other, sometimes instantly and
sometimes over a long period of time.

It is natural to blame another family member entirely for the
problem, especially when we are angry or in a defensive mode.

But, once we return to normal, the assertive communicator is
able to accept some of the responsibility for the conflict. This
acceptance and acknowledgement of your contribution to the
problem is an indication of emotional maturity and can create an
entirely different atmosphere between conflicting family members.

Try saying the following things to promote communication:

- My reactions were too extreme. I’m sorry. – Even though I
still feel I was right about the issue, my reaction wasn’t right
and I apologize. – I never thought of things that way. – Let me
start again in a different way. – I can see my part in all this.

To Judy’s delight, when she practiced saying some of these
things to her husband in a loving way, he began changing too.
Almost immediately, he became less demanding, more
understanding, and more aligned with her so both of them could
better care for her aging mother.

2005 © Dr. Tony Fiore All rights reserved

Dr. Tony Fiore
http://www.articlesbase.com/self-help-articles/4-steps-to-being-more-assertive-2507.html

Winning With Assertive Behavior and Body Language